FBI Udon Real Estate (Preben Pretzmann), 411/38 Hlang Pramong Road, Amphur Muang, Udon Thani 41000, Thailand; tel. (66)422-463-78; cell-phone: (66)722-298-26; e-mail: fbi@udonrealestate.com. 

Bright Lights, Big City

The farther from a town or city, the more land prices fall. But it needs stressing that village life is primitive. Chickens underfoot, squat toilets flushed from a barrel of water—and the nearest 7-11 store a 25-mile drive away. Even if you learn Thai, you may still struggle: most villagers speak a Lao dialect. Regular injections of expat company will probably be vital. As one guy puts it: “I cannot discuss world issues with my Thai girlfriend.” 

With around 110,000 inhabitants, Udon Thani is as close to a big city as Isaan gets. Vietnam veterans may remember it. The local airport (now with flights to Bangkok and Chiang Mai) is built on the site of a former U.S. air base. From here, bombing raids were launched across into Laos and Vietnam. Udon Thani also provided U.S. forces with R&R. Finding the “recreation” side of things appealing, some guys returned...married local girlfriends...and settled. 

The city is a melange of old and modern. Girdled by outdoor food courts (buffet-style meals cost $1.30), Udon Thani’s night market is where to head after sunset. Besoms for sweeping floors; cut flowers, tool-kits and cell-phone accessories; farmers’ conical hats for 50 cents; row upon row of clothing. There’s little arts-and-crafts stuff that tourists enjoy browsing, but that’s part of the appeal. This market is for locals—or mostly locals. An elephant swaying down the street carries an advertising sign for the Aussie Pub and Restaurant.

Preben also has 20 mobile advertisements for his agency—but these are on the large tuk-tuks or motorized rickshaws that serve as city taxis. Each ad costs $5.20 monthly. “One month I was a day late paying. I woke to find 15 tuk-tuk drivers waiting on my doorstep.”

Expat Distractions

Udon Thani has four 9-hole golf courses. Thirty miles away near Nong Khai, there’s also Victory Park, an 18-hole, par 72 course. Prices for a game range from $3.12 to $5.20 in Udon; $13.78 for Victory Park. Expats use the 50-meter pool of Udon’s Physical Education College for 78 cents. There’s also tennis and badminton facilities, two bowling alleys, and pool and darts in a number of bars. In the cooler evening air, hordes of joggers pound the paths around Nong Prajak Park and Nong Sim Lake. 

If you tire of glutinous sticky rice and searingly hot papaya salads, Udon’s City Lodge and Bakery is highly-rated amongst expats. (English crumpets are even on the menu.) Don’t know if the crumpets come from Tesco—this UK supermarket has a branch in Udon—but the excellent steak pie tastes homemade. Beef usually originates from Argentina or Australia.

Ten minutes walk from the Night Market, Charoensi Shopping Center is northeast Thailand’s largest mall: four floors of cell-phone outlets, electricals, computers, and photography...Kentucky Fried Chicken and Swenson’s ice-cream...a 9-screen multiplex cinema. The UK pharmacy, Boots, also has a branch here—and the prices are a lot cheaper than home.

Face-whitening products are popular...Thai ladies aren’t keen on getting a suntan. In Isaan, it’s over 90° F every day and many locals carry parasols. Stepping out off the plane at Udon Thani’s airport, you’re actually offered big black umbrellas as sun protection when crossing the tarmac. 

No Haggling Here

Back in the mall, silk ties are $2.60. One of Preben’s Danish friends came to visit, bought a suitcase-load of ties, then sold them in high-priced Copenhagen for an equivalent $33 apiece. Other clothes and shoes—certainly ones for women—are petite. I spot a pair of comfy-looking sandals—but size 5 is the largest they go up to. Trying to cram size 6 feet into them, I feel like one of Cinderella’s ugly sisters. 

“I have big...I have big,” screeches one vendor in the middle of the complex. (The central floor space is filled by clothing stalls, almost like an indoor market.) She flaps after me, waving a cotton turquoise smock embroidered with birds and flowers. $5.20 sounds reasonable but I try haggling. No chance—set prices apply here. 

Mall prices seem inexpensive to me, but they’re high for locals. A teacher’s monthly income in Isaan is around $208.50...but that’s a professional’s salary. Thailand has a regional minimum wage structure: in Udon Thani and Nong Khai provinces, the daily minimum is only 139 baht or $3.61. (Source: Thailand Board of Investment, website: (www.boi.go.th.) But there’s little industry here. For an Isaan farmer, average monthly income falls to $78. Rural families sometimes save up for years to make a shopping trip to the city’s mall. 

The way locals stare, I suspect I might be the only Western woman in town. That’s not to say I’m the only Western female. Preben’s 9-year-old Danish daughter lives here full time. “I give her $2.60 at weekends. She spends all day in the city with her Thai friends— it’s absolutely safe.”

Seeking a sweetheart? But those 12,000 farangs aren’t without company. Almost all have Thai wives or live with girlfriends. Most are retirees. Although Udon Thani isn’t the place to find a hooker every five yards (for that, visit Pattaya), it’s not difficult to acquire companionship. “Just walk into any bar and take out your wallet,” says one cynical expat. “You’ll get a girlfriend in less than two minutes.”

The more mature male is considered a tasty catch. They tend to have more money, and once netted, there’s less chance of them straying. Whatever your views on the matter, prostitution doesn’t carry any real stigma in Thailand. Isaan village girls are expected to do whatever they must to help feed families, support aged parents, buy medicines, pay off farm debts. Many of Bangkok and Pattaya’s bar-girls are from Isaan. Their overall aim is to find financial security and a lasting relationship with a farang.

This “wealth” issue is often immensely contentious between farangs and their Thai wives. Usually at the behest of the mother-in-law, Mr. Moneybags is not only expected to build a new house for his bride, he’s also pressurized to provide her family with everything from a motorbike to a TV and refrigerator. Even if your job back home is emptying garbage trucks, to an Isaan villager you’re as wealthy as Bill Gates.

On behalf of IL’s love-starved male readers (do we have any?), I scour Udon Thani for potential “sweethearts.” Prostitution isn’t in your face—I can’t find a greasy pole go-go bar—but many girls sit around waiting for company. Prime hunting grounds are the bars around the Aussie pub and restaurant, the bars across the road from Charoensi Shopping Center, and the bars around the corner on Prajak Silkakorn. 

You want to know prices? OK, 1,000 baht/$26 for an all-night session plus a 300 baht/$7.80 “bar fine” for her employer. Now, please don’t send outraged letters about the ethics of providing such information. Let’s take a realistic adult perspective on this. We all know why many guys visit Thailand—and it’s not for Buddhist temples. 

“I don’t want to be a pimp, but it’s how things work here,” says one expat bar-owner. As it’s been five years since this guy last spoke to a Western woman, I can understand why he’s happy to chat. “Even when you see female tourists, they don’t come in here.”
 

Devise Your Own Excursion

In Chiang Mai, numerous hotels and travel agencies arrange day trips to hill-tribe villages, the Golden Triangle, elephant camps, and more. The same applies in Bangkok. You’re spoiled for choice.

Not in Udon Thani. I consider hiring a car—Thailand drives on the left—but trying to follow Thai script road signs is probably a bad idea. Another concern is being on the road after dark. Isaan is riven with superstitions—in rural areas it’s common for drivers to not use their headlights for fear of attracting ghosts. Sounds ridiculous, but I heard this story on two different occasions.

To see something of the Isaan area in comfort (buses are as speedy as water buffalo and look half as comfortable), hire a driver and air-conditioned car. And devise your own itinerary. The Lonely Planet guidebook supplies some decent sight-seeing ideas.

Costing $39, I arrange my day-trip through the Charoensi Grand Hotel’s car rental desk. The clerk takes the next day off to act as a driver, hauling his musician brother along to practice his guiding skills. 

First stop is Phu Phrabat Historical Park. Along wooded trails, we take a two-hour meander past elaborate wats (temples)...Buddha statues concealed in stony hidey-holes...3,000 year-old cave paintings of hunters and animals...weird rock formations often uncannily reminiscent of Irish dolmen tombs. Signs—both in Thai and English—indicate many giant boulders are linked to characters from a folklore story. School kids on a trip earnestly jot down project notes. 

Overlooking the Mekong River, lunch is at a riverside restaurant near the Friendship Bridge leading into Laos. I treat my guides—and including beer for me—it comes to less than $8 in total. Then on to Nong Khai market. Nothing takes my fancy here: it seems more tourist tat than treasure trove. Maybe backpackers buy—Nong Khai is a popular stopover to and from Laos.

Much more impressive is Sala Keu Koo and its 100-foot-tall sculptures. The vision of a shamanic guru called Luang Pu who fled Laos in 1978, this park near Nong Khai contains several hundred statues depicting characters from Buddhist and Hindu traditions. They include Naga the serpent, Kali the destroyer, Ganesh the elephant god, and Buddhas of all shapes and sizes. Some visitors may find it morbid, but worshippers at the park’s main shrine kneel in homage before a glass case containing the guru’s corpse. Although  he died in 1996, his body remains undecomposed.

Chinese New Year In Udon Thani

“Song Festival across the road at 9 p.m.” The beaming receptionist at Udon’s Chareonsi Grand Hotel urges me to go. Great—I’d hoped to catch some Chinese New Year festivities on this trip.

The venue is an empty parking lot—there’s no entrance fee. When I arrive, two schoolgirls rush to bring a plastic chair—everyone has plastic chairs—and find me a front row space. I’ve never felt so honored. Hope they don’t think I’m some impresario seeking out new musical talent!

The audience is mostly students (hundreds, still all wearing uniforms) with a sprinkling of teachers and parents. There’s nothing Chinese about the Song Contest, though...we’re here to listen to youthful singers and bands. Some songs are in Thai, but kids are also blasting out English and American songs. Ancient songs. Hotel California actually produces a torrent of teenage squeals. 

Nothing Chinese about a traditional Thai dance performance either. However, the glittery costumes are gorgeous. All too soon, more teenage songsters appear—cue to make an escape. What escape? Thanks to the contest’s mega-loudspeakers, wraparound sound spills into my room. The Beatles...Elvis...the wail of Hotel California all over again. Don’t know when things end, but it’s now 2 a.m.—and the music is still thumping.

I made my reservation at the Charoensi Grand Royal Hotel through www.thailand-hotel-reservation.net. Doubles with buffet breakfast and airport transfer are $41.67 a night. FBI Udon Real Estate can arrange air-conditioned rooms in a newly-built German/Thai guesthouse with pool for $13 per night. English is spoken.

Monthly Living Costs—Food, Rent, Rates

Expats say it’s easily possible to live on $520 a month. But if you plan to rent somewhere decent, you’d need to add those costs on too.

It’s hard putting an exact figure on monthly grocery/eating out bills. Much depends on your tastes, how often you eat out, and also how much alcohol you drink. (There’s some serious drinking done in Udon.) In the City Lodge, Farang food such as steak pie and fries is $4.68; full English fry-up breakfast served with toast, orange juice, tea or coffee is $3.12.

Their Thai food dishes are a lot cheaper—between $1.56 to $2.34. Menu choices include local favorites as Khow Tom Gung (shrimp rice porridge) and Pat Grapow (chicken or pork fried in basil and chili). “Eat street” and it’s even less—but be aware that some Isaan food might not tempt your tastebuds. Spicy toad stew is a staple in impoverished rural areas. 

Rent: from $130 monthly.
Water rates: $3.90 monthly.
Electricity for a family house: $52 monthly with air-con; $26 without.
Cable TV: $7.80 monthly.
Satellite TV: $41.60 monthly.
Large bottle of local Chang beer: $1.40 on average in bars; 74 cents in supermarkets.
Can of Coke/iced coffee from mini-market: 30 cents.
Pack of Marlboro cigarettes: $1.40.

Top Quality Health Care

Udon Thani has Western standard private hospitals. Expats rave about the quality of treatment and care. A full check up in AEK Udon International Hospital costs $38.55. This includes a physical examination, blood count/blood sugar, liver function test, cholesterol check, electrocardiogram, urine analysis, and chest X-ray. Preben’s wife (Pong) had a C-section when giving birth to their little boy, Kim. Cost of surgery, treatment, food, and a three-day stay in a two-room hospital apartment was $782.

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