There are
many unsavory features about flying today. Crowded airports, packed planes,
squalling kids, people dressed like they're coming from the gym (except
they're usually too fat for that ever to be the case). The lower class
atmosphere surrounding the whole experience is reminiscent of Riding the
Dog (taking a Greyhound bus) in years past. It's even worse, since bus
travel never subjected passengers to impertinent questions, mandatory x-ray
of luggage or a possible strip-search by minimum wage dingbats. If
Hieronymus Bosch was alive today, he'd paint airport scenes. It's a far
cry from the days when air hostesses were all pretty, and flying was a
polite adventure. God, I even remember being given complimentary cigarettes
in the early '60s, when I was a teenager; and they used to give you a good
after-dinner Cuban cigar on the Concord at least as late as the '80s, when
I was still flying to Europe a lot.
I can't remember
exactly when, although it seems like only a year or so ago, that they started
laying on the last straw: Ritual Interrogation Before Boarding.
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The FAA mandates
that every passenger boarding a commercial flight in the United States
be asked, and answer, two questions: (1) Have you packed your own
luggage, and has it remained in your possession at all times since then?
And (2), Has anyone unknown to you asked you to carry anything on this
flight for them?
I abhor being
interrogated, even when my wife attempts it, much less some robotic petite
functionnaire. But if you want to get on the plane, you have to submit.
I closely observe fellow passengers as they're subjected to this indignity,
and they meekly, respectfully, indeed abjectly, answer in a serious manner.
It's almost as if they were grade-schoolers making their first confession.
Watching this uniformly pathetic display fills me with disgust and makes
me even angrier than the thought that I, too, will be subjected to a similar
indignity, because it's proof that I'm right in having a gloomy view of
America's future. And it's more frustrating than dealing with U.S. Immigration
and Customs, because the people working for the airline can't (or shouldn't)
be treated with the contempt one should really only reserve for minions
of the State.
But whenever
you're in a Kafkaesque situation, as is so often the case today, you just
have to make the best of it.
What I say
depends partly on how I assess the intelligence and character of the person
asking the questions, and partly on the mood I'm in. I have many wise guy
responses, but I am careful to stay away from references to various controlled
substances and objects; the idea is to subvert authority, not to have your
life made miserable. Examples. Q1: "Well, usually my butler packs for me,
and my footman carries the bags; but since I knew you'd be asking, I did
it all myself today." Q2: "No, my Mommy always told me never ever to take
things from strangers."
Most often,
however, I reserve humor for a backup, preferring to anticipate them
by simply saying "In regard to the two pointless and degrading questions
you're obligated to ask, the answers are 'no' and 'no.'" Sometimes
an especially dim clerk will then still ask me the questions. But more
often than not they'll express exasperation at being forced to ask the
pointless and degrading questions 500 times a day, as if both they and
the passengers were no more than idiotic robots. Unfortunately, however,
that's not far from the truth, since both parties play the game earnestly,
with smiles on their faces.
You'd think
the charade had gone on long enough at this point, but the situation is
actually about to get worse.
The FAA, an
agency that still has air traffic controllers working with primitive computers
from the '60s, is spending an incredible $2.8 billion to monitor flyers,
in search of the elusive "terrorist," by putting its new Computer
Assisted Passenger Screening (CAPS) program online this Jan. 1. CAPS will
program information in the airlines' computerized flight reservation system
to identify possible "terrorists."
Although bureaucrats
won't reveal the specific suspicious characteristics they're looking for,
it's safe to assume that visiting unapproved foreign countries, being a
national of the wrong country, looking like an Arab or Muslim, frequent
travel, a bad attitude, traveling alone, buying your ticket at the last
minute or perhaps random selection could get you tagged as a possible terrorist.
Last year, 50,892 airline passengers underwent some kind of body search
by airport personnel, and that number is going to skyrocket.
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If you fit
the "terrorist profile," security agents could pull you out of line,
search your luggage, interrogate you about your travel plans, tag your
luggage with bright orange labels or escort you onto the plane. In a worst-case
scenario, you could be x-rayed, strip-searched or subjected to a body cavity
search. You can forget about the Fourth Amendment, which is just another
meaningless dead letter in the Constitution. Although if it ever happens
to me, I plan on retaining first-rate legal counsel and suing everyone
involved 10 ways from Sunday. Maybe I can turn the lemon into lemonade;
I always try to look at the bright side of things.
The average
American (even though he's far better than the average European)
is such a whipped dog, such a spineless worm, that he'll graciously accept
these indignities simply because he's told to. And as the new CAPS rules
go into effect, many who might otherwise protest will subserviently knuckle
under for fear of getting in some kind of trouble, or getting put on a
government computer bank. The way I see it, however, maintaining your self
respect is more important than having some bureaucrat put a gold star next
to your name. In fact, people with clean government records should be automatically
suspect, since it's from among their ranks that will come the people who
drive the trains to the next Auschwitz, people who don't question authority
and do what they're told. As well as most competent terrorists, who will
appear as pure as driven snow until the right moment.
So what purpose
do all the questions serve? Absolutely none but to get Americans used to
answering questions and doing what they're told.
