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I abhor being interrogated, even when my wife attempts it, much less some robotic petite functionnaire. But if you want to get on the plane, you have to submit. I closely observe fellow passengers as they're subjected to this indignity, and they meekly, respectfully, indeed abjectly, answer in a serious manner. It's almost as if they were grade-schoolers making their first confession. Watching this uniformly pathetic display fills me with disgust and makes me even angrier than the thought that I, too, will be subjected to a similar indignity, because it's proof that I'm right in having a gloomy view of America's future. And it's more frustrating than dealing with U.S. Immigration and Customs, because the people working for the airline can't (or shouldn't) be treated with the contempt one should really only reserve for minions of the State. But whenever you're in a Kafkaesque situation, as is so often the case today, you just have to make the best of it. What I say depends partly on how I assess the intelligence and character of the person asking the questions, and partly on the mood I'm in. I have many wise guy responses, but I am careful to stay away from references to various controlled substances and objects; the idea is to subvert authority, not to have your life made miserable. Examples. Q1: "Well, usually my butler packs for me, and my footman carries the bags; but since I knew you'd be asking, I did it all myself today." Q2: "No, my Mommy always told me never ever to take things from strangers." Most often, however, I reserve humor for a backup, preferring to anticipate them by simply saying "In regard to the two pointless and degrading questions you're obligated to ask, the answers are 'no' and 'no.'" Sometimes an especially dim clerk will then still ask me the questions. But more often than not they'll express exasperation at being forced to ask the pointless and degrading questions 500 times a day, as if both they and the passengers were no more than idiotic robots. Unfortunately, however, that's not far from the truth, since both parties play the game earnestly, with smiles on their faces. You'd think the charade had gone on long enough at this point, but the situation is actually about to get worse. The FAA, an agency that still has air traffic controllers working with primitive computers from the '60s, is spending an incredible $2.8 billion to monitor flyers, in search of the elusive "terrorist," by putting its new Computer Assisted Passenger Screening (CAPS) program online this Jan. 1. CAPS will program information in the airlines' computerized flight reservation system to identify possible "terrorists." Although bureaucrats won't reveal the specific suspicious characteristics they're looking for, it's safe to assume that visiting unapproved foreign countries, being a national of the wrong country, looking like an Arab or Muslim, frequent travel, a bad attitude, traveling alone, buying your ticket at the last minute or perhaps random selection could get you tagged as a possible terrorist. Last year, 50,892 airline passengers underwent some kind of body search by airport personnel, and that number is going to skyrocket. If you fit the "terrorist profile," security agents could pull you out of line, search your luggage, interrogate you about your travel plans, tag your luggage with bright orange labels or escort you onto the plane. In a worst-case scenario, you could be x-rayed, strip-searched or subjected to a body cavity search. You can forget about the Fourth Amendment, which is just another meaningless dead letter in the Constitution. Although if it ever happens to me, I plan on retaining first-rate legal counsel and suing everyone involved 10 ways from Sunday. Maybe I can turn the lemon into lemonade; I always try to look at the bright side of things. The average American (even though he's far better than the average European) is such a whipped dog, such a spineless worm, that he'll graciously accept these indignities simply because he's told to. And as the new CAPS rules go into effect, many who might otherwise protest will subserviently knuckle under for fear of getting in some kind of trouble, or getting put on a government computer bank. The way I see it, however, maintaining your self respect is more important than having some bureaucrat put a gold star next to your name. In fact, people with clean government records should be automatically suspect, since it's from among their ranks that will come the people who drive the trains to the next Auschwitz, people who don't question authority and do what they're told. As well as most competent terrorists, who will appear as pure as driven snow until the right moment. So what purpose do all the questions serve? Absolutely none but to get Americans used to answering questions and doing what they're told. |
