Unfortunately, as I soon discovered, my optimism proved gravely misguided.  The truth is that Swedish stands alone in the world as a linguistic anomaly.  It is in fact a world unto itself.  For this reason, I offer the following as a warning to those, who like the confident and love-struck student I once was, find themselves attempting with naivety to access what is, at essence, an inaccessible language.

One problem with learning Swedish is that it relies heavily upon tone to carry meaning.  In this respect it has more in common with some Asian languages than anything European.  As a tonal language, Swedish, like Chinese, is particular in that words differ not only in quantitative respects (such as the difference between dog and dogmatic) but also in qualitative respects (as dictated, for example, by accent and melody).  What this means is that speaking Swedish correctly depends not only on what is said, but also how one says it. 

As a native speaker of American English and therefore a master of monotony, my attempts to formulate words with respect to accent have not come without frustration.  There is perhaps nothing I have done more embarrassing than engaging in deep theological conversation about the Trinity, only to later discover that I had spent the better part of two hours talking about the Father, the Son and the Holy Duck (Anden as opposed to Anden).  Of course, such discrepancies would be forgivable if they were rare occurrences.  However, Swedish affords no such luck, boasting over three hundred similar accent-differentiated word pairs. 

In case this is not difficult enough, Swedish also relies upon melody to carry meaning.  All of us have heard parodies of Swedish by the likes of the Swedish Chef, and all of us, it seems, are able to replicate this singsong nature of the language with relative ease.  But to accurately reproduce the Swedish melody in the heat of conversation is something altogether different.  Proof of this comes each time I attempt to share a melodic sentence with a native speaker.  In these situations, blank stares of incomprehension by my Swedish counterparts are often the only communication we share up until the point that my girlfriend or another merciful Swedish bystander bails me out by repeating the exact same sentence with the proper melody.  Herein rests one of my biggest complaints with this tonal language: despite having perfect vocabulary and perfect grammar, I am still able to mangle it beyond recognition. 

However, lest we give too much credit to the role of melody in making Swedish inaccessible, we must also discuss Swedish sounds.  As I have discovered, the sounds of Swedish are nearly impossible to grasp.  Perhaps the most elusive of these is the voiceless palatal-velar fricative (or in layman’s terms, the “sje sound”).  The Swedes have a monopoly on this one, for it exists nowhere else in the world.  In this respect, trying to replicate the sound is like trying to shoot black targets in a pitch-black room after being spun in circles for ten minutes: one simply has no point of reference to even begin.  To further complicate matters, numerous regional variations within Swedish lead to a relative lack of national standardization.  Whereas in the north, the sje sound resembles something like the rush of water coming from a faucet, the same sound in the south carries more similarity to the noise one makes when swinging a golf club.  Such lack of standardization only compounds my dilemma, for even if I reproduce with perfection the sounds of Skånska, the dialect of my girlfriend from the south, ninety percent of Swedes will still laugh at me between mutters of “It sounds like he’s golfing!” At this point, one would hope that the student of Swedish might at least find refuge in some sort of standardized spelling.  Here again we are left hoping.

Intuition is of no service when trying to spell in Swedish.  Characteristic of the language is the tendency to include pointless consonants that contribute absolutely nothing to the pronunciation of Swedish words.  Perhaps this way of spelling extends from the deep-rooted belief in Sweden that all people are equal and that nothing in society - even letters of the alphabet - is to be excluded from participation.  Although I am not so sure about this theory, I am sure that spelling in Sweden is more about luck and guesswork than it is about method.  In the example of the voiceless palatal-velar fricative used above, even though having the sound of running water or a swinging golf club, it is spelled “sje”.  However, this is nothing compared to the “y” sound (as in “yes”) and the “sh” sound (as in “ship”) which have the respective renderings of dj, g, gj, hj, j, lj and rs, sch, sj, skj, stj.  On the positive side, at least if I have to take a guess at spelling these sounds I have decent enough odds.  A one in five chance for the former and a one in six chance for the latter aren’t too bad. 

If the student of Swedish has been able to make it this far in the learning process, one still has to contend with the language’s absence of spaces and the cumbersome compound words that form as a result.  Whereas in American English we insert space breaks between words to allow for our short attention spans, Swedish demands far greater concentration.  In America I may go to the store to buy nail polish remover, but in Sweden, shoppers don’t bother with such word trivialities.  Instead they go straight to the make-up aisle and purchase a bottle of nagellacksborttagningsmedel.  As an American, I can’t even say this word nevertheless transcribe it correctly.

Difficulties such as this will inevitably shape my future Swedish career choices.  After all, I would hate to have to work in the information technology industry and deal with produktionsstyrningssystemsprogramvaruuppdatering. 

There is no doubt that learning Swedish is a difficult task and for this reason, one should heed my warning and not enter into it lightly.  However, there is also no doubt that this task is well worth the effort.  Whether one is trying to impress a girl or just looking for a challenge, Swedish promises to be a fulfilling lifetime pursuit.  And in this pursuit, regardless if it proves humbling or humiliating, the student can always be assured that it will be fascinating, even if it remains forever inaccessible.