| Elephant
Polo |
| The Biggest,
Weirdest, Slowest, And Most Expensive Game In Thailand |
| by Antonio Graceffo |
| The theory
by most have-nots, of which I am one, is that the rich are bored, and
that they invent unusual sports to entertain themselves, such as croquet,
yachting, and sailing. Cricket is perhaps the greatest example of what
happens when you have too much money, and nothing to occupy your free time.
A single game
could last for three days, and end in a tie score. Any person of normal
means would fall asleep in the interim. But the rich fortify themselves
with expensive drinks, and conversations related to other sports of the
opulent, such as car racing and fox hunting. |
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| Polo has
all of the markings of a rich man’s game. The horses cost hundreds
of thousands of dollars. The players must be clad, head-to-toe, in an
outfit, which costs as much as most normal people earn in a year, but
which can only be worn while playing. You tend to get strange looks if
you show up at the food court at your local mall, sporting a leather riding-whip,
and wearing a helmet and knee-high jackboots. If not for the skin tight
ridding britches, which clearly accentuate if you are circumcised or not,
you could be the wayward soldier of some invading army. Instead, you just
look like a leather-boy, who got lost on the way to the Pride Parade.
Most people
could afford the purchase of a horse and uniform, if they raided their
retirement fund, and if they convinced their children to quit school, and
go to work in a poorly-lit garment factory in Indonesia. But, the expenses,
which keep the sport exclusive only begin there. Next, you have to actually
play polo. Since my one bedroom flat is too small for polo, I found that
I would have to join a polo club, which costs thousands of dollars per
year. Next, since you don’t just want to play in your hometown, you have
to join the polo touring circuit. This entails paying entrance fees to
the games, and purchasing plane tickets, not only for yourself, but for
your steed as well. |
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| And finally,
the tournaments, tremendous events, played over a period of days, tend
not to be sponsored by low-budget guesthouses. Instead, they are hosted
by luxury resorts, which cost big money.
My first
experience with polo was with the granddaddy of all opulence, elephant
polo. And yes, before you ask, elephant polo is played on the back of an
elephant. The price tags associated with elephant polo are massive as the
elephants themselves. The only thing small about elephant polo is the circuit
on which it is played. It includes only three countries, Thailand, Sri
Lanka, and Nepal. This year’s King’s Cup
Elephant Polo Tournament, in Huahin, Thailand, was sponsored by the
Anantara Hotel and Chivas. Thanks to the sponsors, all of the players,
and some lucky members of the press were housed in deluxe accommodations,
and kept well plied with Whisky. |
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Offshore Resources Gallery
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| The teams
were heavily represented by Britain and Commonwealth Countries, with the
exceptions of the all Thai ladyboy team, the Screwless Tuskers, and the
Mercedes, who were all German. Each team is composed of four members.
No more than three members may play at a time, leaving one player in reserve.
The game is divided into two chuckas, or halves, each lasting seven minutes,
with a fifteen minute break in between. The playing field is similar to
a football pitch, with one goal post at either end. Just as in regular
polo, the objective is to drive a small ball into the goal of the opponent,
scoring one point. To drive the ball, the players use a mallet, which given
the size of the elephants, is considerably larger than the one used in
horse polo, generally 2.5 meters long.
The elephants
are driven by Mahouts, one of Thailand’s ethnic minorities, whose job,
for century immemorial, has been to handle elephants. The mahouts were
small men, who perched, barefooted, on the neck of the elephant, steering
the mighty beast with a combination of secret words and physical gestures.
The Mahouts used a metal hook to get the attention of the willful, if lazy,
creatures, who apparently were less enthusiastic about elephant polo than
the players were. |
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| The mahouts
also kicked the backs of the elephant’s ears to signal left and right
hand turns. Since, I am told, an elephant’s skin is several centimeters
thick, one would have to believe that they hear, rather than feel the blows.
Horse polo
is one of the fastest and most exciting games in the world. But the
fans of elephant polo, once they get over the initial excitement of seeing
the elephants, will then be faced with one of the slowest games ever played.
Elephants
don’t gallop. And, they don’t turn on a time. The players have no control
over the beasts. So, much of the skill of horse polo is missing. The one
skill that remains quite similar, however, is striking. Elephant polo players
must be as adept at swinging a mallet as their horse polo cousins. But,
owing to their obscene length, the bamboo handled mallets tend to bend
if swung to hard. |
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Offshore
Resources Gallery
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| Bending shortens
the mallet and results in the player missing the ball.
Another
problem, unique to elephant polo, is that the ball will often become lost,
under the elephants. At those most exciting moments, when all four
players press in, close together, all swinging their extra long mallets,
risking life and limb for the team, the ball suddenly disappears under
one of the mammoth pachyderms. And as an ironic twist of fate, the spectators
can all clearly see which elephant the ball is under, whereas the players
cannot. As a player you begin hearing cries from all points of the stadium.
“It’s on the left!” followed by, “No, my left, not your left.”
Often, even
if a player manages to make the most brilliant shot of the day, a swing
that would surly take the ball home, it is accidentally blocked by the
impassable legs of an elephant, often from that players own team. Sometimes
an elephant will step on the ball, burying it, impossibly, in the ground.
In this instance, play must be suspended, and a restart called. And of
course, any sport which involves elephants will also involve elephant dung.
According to the officials at the polo grounds, an elephant consumes 80
kg of food per day. With six team elephants, and one referee elephant on
the field, that gives the potential for 560 kg of excrement to be released,
at will, by the elephants, often when the players are pressed close together,
in a scrum for the ball. Only the rich would require you to wear white
pants in a game where there was any chance at all of being shat upon by
an elephant.
The following
are the previous articles that Antonio wrote for the magazine:
To see Antonio's
new book Click
Here
To contact
Antonio Click Here |
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