| The Final
Voyage Of Thor Heyerdahl |
| Testing
A Theory |
| By Allan Weisbecker |
| Preface
Thor was a
Norweigan adventurer whose theories about ancient peoples' migrations a
few decades ago were controversial, to say the least. In fact, everyone
thought he was nuts.
Thor thought
ancient Polynesia was settled by folks from South America many thousands
of years ago. Since virtually all the ethnological evidence was that people
from Asia worked their way down gradually, Thor figured he'd prove his
theory by building a balsa raft and migrating his own ass from Chile (or
Peru; I forget) to Polynesia. That expedition, which he wrote about
in the popular book Kon Tiki, was undertaken in 1947. |
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| A few years
later Thor had a theory that the Americas were settled by folks from North
Africa, So he built a raft out of Papyrus and sailed it from Africa to
Barbados. (He sank on his first try, then did it again.)
He kept doing
this. Thor would have a theory, so he'd built a raft. I find this humorous.
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I am responsible
for Thor Heyerdahl’s final voyage. Being an existentialist, I feel no guilt
or remorse about the tragedy or my part in it; I have hence decided to
put to rest the false rumors and hysterical innuendos that have surfaced
via the media since Thor’s disappearance. Here’s what really happened: |
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| Many years
ago, while living on the Left Bank, deeply immersed in existential
thought and study, I came upon some heretofore unpublished existential
writings. I was rooting through the attic of a recently deceased existentialist
cohort, an old fellow for whom I had deep affection, even though, in the
ten years I knew him, he never spoke a word to me. Every night we would
sit in a local existential café, drinking coffee and brooding with
furrowed brows. I would speak frequently to the man (I never found out
his name) and he would speak to other existentialists, but never to
me. I took this as the ultimate existential bond, so I took it upon myself
to pillage his personal belongings before his so-called “rightful heirs”
(what a ridiculous concept!) showed up.
Having pocketed
some loose currency, I came across an old, yellowed manuscript of perhaps
500,000 words. Written in longhand, it was completely illegible – I sensed
I’d stumbled upon something of existential note. And indeed, such proved
to be the case. |
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Offshore
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| Having taken
the volume home, and after months of intensive study, I managed to decipher
one phrase. Translated from the French, it read, “While the cat’s away.”
My curiosity piqued, I asked Sartre if he was familiar with this concept,
metaphorically or otherwise. Sartre laughed that existential laugh of his
and replied, “But of course. ‘While the cat’s away’ is the very bedrock
upon which all of existentialism sits!”
Thor Heyerdahl
happened to be in Paris giving a lecture at the Sorbonne on the roles of
women at sea (Thor figured there were only two roles, cooking being
one of them). I had met Thor the previous year when he was lecturing
on the roles of women in Polynesia (again, Thor figured there were only
two, and, again, cooking was one of them). He had sat in on my lecture
on the roles of women in existentialism -- my theory was so close to Thor’s
that we became fast friends.
After Thor’s
lecture I caught up with him at a Paris café. I explained that I
was having major problems with the concepts of “While the cat’s away”
and “The mouse will play” originating in two such diverse and geographically
isolated philosophies, and how they had been fused to form a mundane and
sophomoric American “old saying.” |
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| Thor leaped
to his feet and demanded that I repeat everything I had told him.
I did. As I
spoke, Thor began pacing and stroking his beard. “While the cat’s away,”
he mumbled, then paused. “The mouse will play.” I sensed that Thor’s
wheels were spinning at high RPMs.
He paused again.
“It’s apparent
that these two ideas are very closely related,” he mused. He paced
and beard-stroked faster. “There has to be a connection between the
ancient Zen Buddhists and the ancient existentialists.”
I did my best
to explain that there were no ancient existentialists, that existentialism
had evolved very recently, but Thor motioned for me to be silent. |
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| “There
must have been some sort of communication,” Thor said, then paused
to pick some lint from his beard. He went on, eyes intense: “If you
wanted to communicate with another person or culture that had values closely
resembling your own, how would you do it?” This question was rhetorical,
but I didn’t realize it.
“Well,”
I said, “I’d pick up the phone…”
“Nonsense!”
Thor interrupted. “You’d build a raft!” Again, I tried to explain
that there were no ancient existentialists, and, again, he cut me off.
“Okay,”
Thor said, then resumed his pacing. “The ancient Zen Buddhists were
probably too busy meditating to put to sea.” Another pause. “And
the ancient existentialists were probably too busy being depressed around
the campfire to put to sea.”
I breathed
a sigh of relief, figuring that Thor had invalidated his own theory without
any further help from me. I was mistaken in this assumption.
“Since it
is unlikely that either group put to sea…” Thor’s voice rose an octave;
he was getting more and more exited. “The only way to confirm my theory
is to prove that they both put to sea.”
Being an existentialist,
I was extremely impressed with Thor’s logic.
Thor continued
to pace and stroke his beard. “So I must make two voyages!” I was
now watching him pace like a spectator at a tennis match. “The ancient
Zen Buddhists would have constructed their rafts out of…” Thor paused,
deep in thought…“rice paper!”
Thor bid me
adieu, then bolted through a door, but, finding that it led to a cleaning
closet, he quickly reemerged, saying, “I must get to Japan immediately
and sail a rice paper raft to France, home of the ancient existentialists!”
“Oh, my God,” I thought to myself. Then, realizing what I had said,
shortened it to “Oh, my.”
Thor scanned
the café for an exit. “Then I must construct an existential raft
and sail it to Japan!” As he headed for another door, I asked what
I considered a vital question, one that, so far as I knew, no existentialist
had ever pondered: “What would an existentialists use to construct a
raft?”
But Thor had
found the exit. He was gone.
Thor spent
a year in Japan, constructing and outfitting a rice paper raft. Eighteen
months sailing it from Kyoto to Biarritz, France. The voyage around Cape
Horn, then north to Europe has been heralded as the most amazing feat of
seamanship in the annals of maritime history.
Tragedy
struck, however, a week after Thor’s return. He launched his existential
raft from a beach near Calais. It sank immediately. Thor’s body was never
recovered
The following
is a list of articles Allan has written for the magazine:
Allan is selling
his stunning house in Costa Rica, if you are interested in buying a great
house in Costa Rica Click
Here
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Allan by email Click Here |
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