His girlfriend’s plaintive cry in the wilderness of their dormant lives in Cambridge begins what Gregory McCann calls The Beastly Adventure, valiantly detailed in his raucous and raunchy road movie of an eBook available now.  Soon after Greg’s girlfriend voices her dilemma, he is hatching a scheme that would shake their lives to the roots.  When she returns home from work, Greg’s wild enthusiasm for the plan renders him momentarily incoherent.

“She had, of course, no idea what I was talking about, so she karate chopped me in the windpipe and went to make a cup of tea.  By the time she had returned, I had calmed down and partially recovered so that I could, albeit hoarsely, explain my idea of travelling the world by car instead of by plane.  She was thrilled and did a little jig before giving me a big kiss and immediately agreeing to go ahead with the purchase of the vehicle.”

The vehicle?  Hop aboard The Beast, a decommissioned Land Rover 101 military ambulance, freshly overhauled and painted Massey Ferguson red for the journey to end all journeys.  If attention is the solution to boredom then it’s already a success.  Yet this screamingly funny saga has just begun, and you’ll laugh along with these four loose-knit friends presenting their party passports, ready to be stamped.  Border crossings come and go in the daze, marking the trail of the wayfarers.  Stranger-than-fiction characters strut and fret their hours in the headlights and fade into the rear-view.  Somehow amidst the bickering, drinking and debauchery an lucid bout of travel writing travel breaks out.  Their troubles, their triumphs (and the tipple) fuel one of the wildest rides you’ll ever read.  All of it -- the beautiful and the damned -- is captured in Gregory McCann’s dry and economical prose.

We got out of the car and gave it a once over, checking that no one had stashed anything illicit on the car without our knowledge and, in our minds at least, courageously drove into the queuing area for cars. Soon we were pointed over to the truck bays and sheepishly made our way over. We did a last ditch check; passports, letters of invitation, car documents, cash, and driving licences. That should do it.

Then we all went into the building and into the unknown. We speak no Russian and were well aware that this could be a lengthy and difficult process.

Once inside I approached a glass screen, much like that of a bank teller and was faced with a solemn looking Russian lady.

“Ya ni gavarit pa Russki” I blabbed. That was the only thing I knew how to say in Russian. 

I don’t speak Russian. I handed her the documents to the car and our four passports, standing there smiling like an inbred fool. The woman looked at me and motioned for me to wait. She ran out of the back of her unit in a bit of a tizz but soon came round to where we were with a big Russian bloke. For some reason, Lex, Tom and Flea were awe struck, they all started giggling and joking with each other whilst I got down to the business of trying to get this all sorted out.

It took a lot of time, toing and froing, and the question about what and why we were doing this was repeated many times. It didn’t seem to make sense to them and they couldn’t work out whether they simply didn’t understand what we were saying or if we were mad. The letters of invitation we had acquired over the internet prior to leaving the UK went some way to helping us get our point across but even then they still didn’t see why. The guy they had bought out couldn’t really speak English either but apparently he had more experience with this kind of thing.

Our letter of invitation explained that we were legally entitled to travel in Russia but it didn’t explain why we were coming in to Russia via Estonia and leaving via Kazakhstan. We were stuck. They couldn’t understand and we couldn’t explain. I decided to take the young guy outside with me and showed him the car. We had stickers on the side of the Beast from each country we had been to so far, indicating our route. By a series of vague hand signals, diagrams and maps it finally clicked with him that we were driving around the world. He was flabbergasted and suddenly became very amicable, patting me on the shoulder and slapping me on the back, pushing me back inside.

It turned out that the customs guys in Kazakhstan would need to know this, as a stamp was to be put in my passport indicating the entrance and exit points of the vehicle. It seemed we were getting somewhere. Our passports were stamped and I got an extra little stamp with a cute picture of a car with the date and place stamped next to it. We also got a temporary vehicle import document that gave the Beast three months in Russia despite the fact that our visas only lasted a month. Never mind.

Chinese Border to Vientiane 

Laos. Wow, this was very far away from home. As I sat in the car, everyone else had gone off to do the China visa exit, I reflected on where we were. How many kilometers we had driven and over which terrain? I was remarkably unhappy to be leaving China. Despite some of the obvious monotony and the overwhelming homogeny of much of the cities and countryside, not to mention the fake ness of this counterfeit country itself, I had fallen in love with the place. I absolutely loved the people; I loved the ease of living and the practicality of this unique life style. The silence and pureness (sometimes) of the country and the hustle bustle of the cities. I think that secretly I loved the food most but as I sat there all I could think about were all the people we had met that had nothing to offer us but a smile. That was enough for me and even now I have become a real Sino-file. To this day I think of China as my favourite place in the world. I think if you haven’t been there, you should make it your next destination, you really won’t be sorry.

Luang Pra Bang is the ancient Royal Capital of Laos. It lost its capital status in the 16th century when some king legged it and set up shop in Vientiane, today’s capital. The city sits on the Mekong river which has made its way here from the Himalayas, travelling some 3000km through China and Myanmar before it passes by here, then heads south on to the Thai border and then into Cambodia before terminating in the South China sea at Vietnam’s Mekong Delta.

As we had noticed up in Luang Namtha, with the exception of Buddhist Temples, the principal architectural and social influence on much of metropolitan Laos is still that of the French - despite the fact that they were booted out of the county after WWII. The French had taken Laos at the start of the century and ran it for 50 years leaving behind that typical French colonial feel. Croissants are still available as is French bread and the mix of spicy South East Asian and French grub is awe inspiring.

On one evening, Lex and I had a kind of reconciliation slash, late valentine’s meal in a restaurant called Les Trois Nagas. Naga is Lao for the snake like beast you will often see adorning stairways into temples and monasteries by the way. Now I don’t really like to credit places unless they are really special but Les Trois Nagas really was. I ate a tartar of buffalo which was without doubt the most memorable meal of my life. Tartar, or raw mince, isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but it is mine. The uncooked and minced buffalo flesh was mixed with the typical French seasoning of egg, capers and vinaigrette but with the addition of lime leaves, chilli peppers and a few local secrets that made it one of this world’s great finds. A must.

Whether you think they’re brave or foolish, you’ll admire these determined travelers as they endure every drinking buddy and befriend every mechanical setback along the way. You’ll appreciate that the most minor details can make or break an otherwise routine jaunt across Russia.  Enjoy disturbed nights and colorful days from the casinos of Tallinn to the shores of the Mekong and beyond.  Oh, the places you’ll go, and the places where you have to hold it while you’re looking for a place to go.  This is no-holds-barred travel in the classic sense, or lack thereof!  Get a hold of The Beast, its hour come at last, and get in on the Adventure!